


Caution: Dating the Voice of Night Vale may be hazardous to your health

by LaVoileBlanche



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M, i love this fandom and this podcast and this pairing and I had to do something about it okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-02
Updated: 2013-08-02
Packaged: 2017-12-22 04:57:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/909200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaVoileBlanche/pseuds/LaVoileBlanche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sheriff's Secret Police take it upon themselves to give Carlos the "intimidating family member talk," on Cecil's behalf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Caution: Dating the Voice of Night Vale may be hazardous to your health

Carlos isn’t doing anything illegal, as far as he’s aware. Then again, this is Night Vale, and he’d been brought in for questioning over the ownership of a 2B pencil only last week, so he can’t be positive. But regardless, he’s fairly certain that standing on the pavement outside the radio station and waiting for Cecil to come out so they can go and investigate the strange, glowing slime which has begun seeping through the cracks in the town hall’s wall (it’s their fifth date. Carlos has been looking forward to it.) is a perfectly innocent occupation. So he is clueless as to why several agents of the Sheriff’s Secret Police are watching him suspiciously from a nearby bush. He is trying to pretend that he hasn’t seen them, because (Cecil has told him in those smooth, sonorous tones of his) it’s important that they feel like they’re doing their job properly. And if people just went about acknowledging their presence willy-nilly, they’d hardly be _Secret_ Police, would they?

Still, their presence makes Carlos uneasy, and he shifts his weight from one foot to the other, hoping Cecil will finish up soon. He looks to the sky, a pale green tonight, and so he doesn’t see the blow to his head coming at all. He thinks he hears Cecil’s voice before he blacks out.

"Goodnight, Night Vale, Goodnight."

*

He comes to in the back of a windowless van, with three Secret Police agents staring intently at him. At least, he thinks they’re staring at him. It’s difficult to tell, since the inside of the van is kept dark, and they’re all masked, anyway.

"Carlos the Scientist." One of them says, and it’s impossible to tell which one. The voice is deep, but not like Cecil’s, and it sounds multi-layered, like more than one person, speaking at once. “We have paperwork on record which shows that you have entered a romantic relationship with Cecil Palmer."

And apparently he’s expected to respond to this, so, cautiously, he replies, "…yes."

"We are obliged to inform you on behalf of all Night Vale citizens that if you harm Cecil Baldwin in any way, _bad things_ will befall you." A pause, and then, as an afterthought, “In spite of your perfect, beautiful hair."

Carlos doesn’t like the way the voice says ‘bad things’.

The voice continues, “Detailing the nature of the _bad things_ which would befall you would ultimately be inefficient and may also cause you to faint and/or develop paranoia, regular migraines and heavy nosebleeds, so we will refrain from doing so for the time being, as long as your behaviour continues to be satisfactory. Is that understood?"

Carlos thinks that this is possibly the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to him, topping a worryingly long list. He nods mutely, and the three officers look at each other in silent communication, and then one hands him a slip of paper and a black, pen-shaped object which has “NOT A PEN" printed on its side in large, white letters. The slip of paper, which Carlos takes hesitantly, reads:

"HOW SATISFACTORILY WOULD YOU RATE THIS ABDUCTION/INTERROGATION/OTHER INSTANCE OF THREATENING AND/OR TORTURE?

\- Poor  
\- Satisfactory  
\- Good  
\- Very good  
\- Excellent  
\- All of the above  
\- Pineapple."

He ticks “very good," because he is still a little bit dizzy from the blow to his head, and because it seems more important than ever to remain on good terms with the Sheriff’s Secret Police, and hands the review, and the definitely-not-a-pen, back to the officer facing him. And then, he’s not entirely sure how it happens, but he finds himself back outside the radio station, looking up at the pale green sky like nothing has happened. Cecil’s voice comes from behind him, and he turns to him dazedly.

"Carlos? Are you ready to go?"

Carlos blinks at him, just the tiniest bit intimidated by the threat of an entire city waiting for him to screw up this relationship. And it’s not like he plans to, of course. He really likes Cecil, finds him utterly endearing, and the thought of hurting him in any way is practically unthinkable, but still. It’s more than a little bit frightening to know that your boyfriend has the rest of the town you live in on his side. He realises Cecil is frowning at him.

"Carlos?" He says, and Carlos would like to reply very much, just to smooth out the concern on Cecil’s face, but when he opens his mouth, no sound comes out. He can still see the three officers looming over him, and there is something inherently discomforting about the image. “Carlooooooos?" Cecil repeats, worriedly.

Carlos tries to shake the experience out of his thoughts.

"Hi." He says, offering a weak smile, but Cecil does not look comforted.

"Are you having an out-of-body experience?" He asks, like that’s something that could feasibly be happening, and Carlos shakes his head, his smile a little wider because Cecil is accidentally the most adorable person on the planet on a daily basis.

"No, it’s not that." He says. Cecil cocks his head to one side, squinting at him, and Carlos doesn’t know what he sees there, but his mouth opens and something like embarrassment colours his cheeks. (Carlos disregards the particular thoughts which occur at the flush, but he appreciates it, nonetheless. Cecil is very pretty when he blushes.)

"Oh, no." He groans, and covers his face with his hands. “Oh, this is so embarrassing. I told them it was unnecessary but no, they couldn’t just trust my judgement." He sighs, and removes his hands from his face so he can look Carlos in the eye. “I am so sorry, Carlos."

Carlos considers him. He looks mortified, and he is still blushing adorably, and Carlos doesn’t know how he could have even considered the possibility of this man using the frightening amount of sway he has over Night Vale’s citizens to cause him harm. He reaches out, and takes Cecil’s hand in his own.

"That’s okay." He says, and the relief in Cecil’s smile makes him almost giddy. He smiles, too, and leans in to press a kiss to the lips of Night Vale’s favourite citizen.

**Author's Note:**

> I love everything about this podcast.
> 
> Read it on Tumblr: http://insert-my-pen-name-here.tumblr.com/post/57157958738/caution-dating-the-voice-of-night-vale-may-be


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